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Thursday, November 12, 2015

tldr: I'm Getting a Nose Job


When I was 12, I was told I had a big nose for the first time. I became an target for bullying from boys who thought I was ugly, and girls who thought I wasn't up to their standards. I started a journey of feeling ugly, worthless and alone.

This carried on for years, knocking down whatever was left of my self-esteem and my confidence. At 14, a boy told me "you'll never be able to give a blowjob because your nose is too big". And you know what? I was mortified. Ashamed and embarrassed, scared that it was true. My development as a "tween" was entirely knocked over by this one thing on my face and the way people saw me, and treated me because of it.

At 15, I met someone who turned it around for me. He made me realise that not everyone saw me the way people in my school year did. He made me feel loved and appreciated in a way that nobody ever had. That was important.

From then on, I decided to appear confident, even if I wasn't. I learned to laugh at myself, because people are less likely to be mean if they think it's not hurting you. I started bullying myself, in a sense. Making self-deprecating jokes about my nose, and my appearance. That worked all the way up until I was 20. My friends will know that I spent the majority of my time making jokes about my nose as a way to drive attention away from it. If people thought I was okay with it, they would be too, right? Wrong. Friends, teachers, boyfriends all joined in on the fun. And though it was lighthearted (and often very funny indeed), it slowly knocked down my confidence over, and over. I found myself in a place where I could no longer make jokes, because this thing on my face would not let me forget that it was there. That it was big. That it was horrendous. That it was out of place.

Age 20, I contemplated the idea of a nose job. I had always thought about it, but it seemed too far in the distant future, because I was so young. At 20, I thought about it seriously. But hadn't I learned to accept it? Hadn't I learned to love myself? Hadn't I learned to laugh at myself? I felt like getting a nose job would be a sign of weakness. That it would mean my bullies had won. I considered the fact that when I have children one day, if they end up with my nose, I won't have any ground on which to tell them to be confident in their own skin. That one really put the nose job out of my mind, at least for the time being.

But do you know how unhappy I am in my own skin? For the last year, I have been observing my actions and reactions, my body language and my attitude. My self-esteem is practically non-existent. I don't love myself in the way that I should. No amount of dieting or shopping for new clothes and makeup will make me feel better, because the thing that makes me unhappy is on my face, for everyone to see.

When I walk down the street, I will avoid making eye contact with strangers, and I will turn my head into specific angles so that they don't see my nose from either side. How messed up is that? I've struggled to make friends because all I can think about when I meet new people, is what angle they're seeing me from. I've learned to laugh at myself, but why should I have to? Why should I have to "embrace" things that make me completely miserable, if I can change them? I'm tired of being so self-conscious all the time.

The truth is, I need surgery on my nose anyway. I have a very deviated septum, which means that my nose is crooked and I can't breathe through one of my nostrils at all, and the other is constantly almost fully blocked like I have a cold. This makes it hard for me to breathe through my nose, which means I get tired and lightheaded very easily with any form of exercise. It means that I am not as protected from bacteria, and my mouth breathing often results in me having tonsillitis every couple of months, and me being sick every couple of weeks. I can't blow my nose, so all mucus builds up on my lungs and gives me horrible coughs. I need surgery anyway, and no matter what, my nose will look different. So it may as well look better.

I am not defined by my nose, or by the way people treat me because of it. I'm so over it. I want to feel happy in my own skin. I want to feel confident. I want to be able to not care which angle people see me from. I want to not have to be defensive all the time. I want to feel good. Is that too much to ask?

I've decided I'm getting a nose job. Not for the people who told me I "need" one, but for myself. I'm having the first appointment in December, and I can't stop thinking about it. I've wanted this for so long. I'm so excited to feel good, for once.

My friends and family will support my decision, and that's all that matters to me.
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6 comments

  1. This sounds like a really good decision, one that you gave a lot of thought. And it is really brave of you - not weak - to actually take the measures you need to be happy!

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    1. Thank you so much Jenny <3 Miss you! xxx

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  2. os rapazes acham te feia?! fnx! ta bem ta! és linda e divertida n se pode pedir mais ;D e tas em forma! ;D

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  3. You know honestly, I am such an unfan of plastic surgery, but hear me out. I used to have many Korean classmates and I even dated a Korean guy who told me how plastic surgery is incredibly popular in South Korea and that girls (and boys) get surgery as a graduation present right after highschool. What they do is they make them look "more perfect", or "more Western", since they widen their eyes. South Korea is also statistically really high in bullying and suicide. My classmates have all gone through surgery and I don't know, with all due respect to the country's culture, it scares me and also I find it really superficial. Rather than loving theirselves, their body they decide to change their face completely. Now I am not comparing your case to this AT ALL. This is just the reason why I don't like plastic surgeries. It is obviously an extreme case that I don't feel is done for the right things.
    ON THE OTHER HAND one other thing I hate is hypocricy. And I've worn braces and I have been bullied for having ugly teeth and now I've had them fixed. It is after all the same concept. So, with that said, I respect you and hope you are happier and more confident and damn how brave of you! I really hope I can meet you next time I'm in London. I feel there's quite a lot of (controversial) topics I'd love to discuss with you. Oh and yes please vlog it! (I don't use twitter so I'll just reply to your tweets here). aaand yes for sims videos and also yes for vlogmas :D

    -Adel <3

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